I don’t get it. Why the effort if this is the result? I am in my ruins. Again. Running nose, cough. It is rock bottom for me. I am hardly ever ill. It feels as if God has never existed; hid behind the greatest grey cloud there is. Out of sight, touch, sense, even taste. It is just a splitting headache without a cure.
I am just silly, really. I am such a child. There is no great God, saviour of the poor. It is all ME, no matter how much I try and blame God, the world or others for my gloom and doom. It is all your creation, dear. No doubt about that. This is the saddest bit. I do this crap to myself.
I live a life that occasionally makes me feel suicidal. The only reason why I don’t commit it is that I am too bloody scared of dying, the unknowing and the permanence of it. Death is unchangeable in this state of form. And I am never sure I hate this form enough to lose it forever.
…
I am an exceptionally creative, musical, accomplished, generally funny and pretty smart person. But you would not know it by looking at my life. I am homeless. Not the general kind of homeless, I don’t live on the street of a big city, I live in other peoples’ homes. I don’t own anything. I travel light. I am constantly on the move. I am unsettled. I am never settled. I may stay at a place for a while but then I move on without any apparent reason; I just don’t like the place anymore, I just have a new idea that takes me a new place, so I move on. I don’t have a job. I have ideas that I try to realize, most of the time, they pay me only enough to move onto the next project and/or to the next location. Then I am broke. Then I get back onto my feet. Then I move on.
Some people tell me that they always dreamt of having a life like mine. Interestingly, I don’t appreciate it that much. I often wish I had some more stability in my life, some firm foundation that is always there, wherever I am, that holds me, takes care of me, caresses me when I need it. Most people live this way. We live in a world where we believe that such a secure ‘thing’ can be found and it is supposed to be something concrete outside ourselves, a house, a partner, a parent, a child, an investment … you name it. I think, this secure place/person is meant to be inside of oneself.
And this is what I miss. This is why I don’t appreciate about my life. That’s why I am so exhausted all the time. Though, I am not looking for a safe person or place out there anymore. I know better. I still don’t have ‘ it’ inside of me, either. No man’s land. Neither with, nor without. But still not tangible. This life and my position in life, though it may look very care free, it is also very instable and unnerving.
Though I know (I have the experience of it) that I am always safe, I am not open to experience certain types of experiences that tend to be rather uncomfortable, though I know that freedom and trust in the Universe do come with a lot of discomfort, occasionally. The discomfort comes with the moving about and starting all over again when it is time to accomplish or learn something new. Most people don’t choose the kind of life I live because it can very uncomfortable. I understand them, and in some ways I agree with them. I wish I had known better. When I get very tired of my adventurous life and just want some peace and stability that is when I get low. The spiral goes all the way down to suicide.
Well, if it is all my creation … I wish I could create something more lively and joyous for myself; less hardship, less mistakes, less negative experiences and more ease and fun. I still don’t know how to do that, how to make this journey that is undoubtedly adventurous and interesting more fun and light-hearted …
Please, look at me with more loving eyes so I can love myself more …