My old and new package

I allow you to stand in front of me and around me to block me from the Light of Life. It is not your fault. Nor is it really mine.  Still it is my life. I learnt early on that my existence has only worth to it if I pretend to be the mature one, the one who takes care of the others. Thought it seems like it, it was not really my own choice. It was the best response I found to an uncaring and unloving world that surrounded me at the time.

I checked out what my surroundings was lacking and realized they raved for care and attention, they needed an all-encompassing mum-figure (La Mamma), the guide who knows the answers, who bares all burdens, who does not ask questions and who is always there for others. I pretended I knew the answers. I pretended I strong and capable. I pretended I am  unbreakable. I became somebody needed. And so in return I expected to receive the care and love I needed for my survival. I became a care-taker (giver). When I got older and more sophisticated I changed the word from a caretaker to a world-saviour. It definitely sounded more glamorous!

However, deep inside of me, the question popped up repeatedly: Why am I doing this? It really gives me know pleasure whatsoever! It is extremely tiring and I don’t really care for the well-being of humanity. Honestly, we are our own saviours, so it is really not my job.

It was choking me. I became angrier and angrier, more and more frustrated and isolated with the time and effort I put into saving the doomed. In spite of all this, I could not put it to rest, I could not stop taking more care of others than of myself. (Meanwhile, obviously, expecting others to take care of me!)

The other evidence of of my clever bearings was the numerous childish  people in my life with an irresponsible demeanour; people who did not want to grow up, who did not want to take any responsibility for their own fate but blame others for their misfortune. Merely because I perceived them as incapable and harmful, I constantly tried to protect them and save them from their own selves and mine or tired to manipulate them into change their thinking and behaviour. Exhausting!

Another addition to this pattern of mine was my own childlike nature that was pushed aside, down into the corner and made to grow up early on. That is the part of me who was constantly sulking and upset for not having been allowed to play and have a good time. Partly because of my other, the parent side that was called for being on guard and alert to make sure everything was going according to plans all the time.

Frankly, I am just a kid myself. I adopted these ways of ‘adult’ behaviour and in the meantime forgot what it was like being a kid.

Slowly the wall closed down around me creating an iceberg, inside of which only the tip was left on sight. I started to give my full attention to taking care of others and protecting myself from abuse of my offerings.  It eventually consumed the quality of my life.

I can run this show all the time. It keeps me angry, disconnected and discontented. However, familiar.

So now, I have packed it all up into an old, brown suitcase. I am shipping this off, today, to Neverland and leave it there to disseminate in the valley of time and space.

I am ready for a change. I am expecting a new parcel from Wonderland.