My wayside spirituality

I got confused I thing somehow along the way. I have been nurturing this silly notion that spiritual awakening has something to do with expressing our most inner nature in the world, make ourselves seen and let go of ‘making a life’ of sacrifice, fitting in, making it in the world and similar.

Well, I must have misunderstood something because I really felt I needed to give it a shot, to create, create and create, doing the very things I am so good at.

A few years down the line I find myself homeless (literally), penniless and extremely depressed.

I am sitting here wondering what went wrong …

Honest to God, my main intention is not to get rich and famous. I truly believe that I am very good at creating platforms for others to blossom, I am even good at not only creating the platform for them but supporting them how to co-create using that platform.

About 3 years ago I gave myself the gift of discovering and went on a three months journey into myself. As I was travelling around America meeting the most amazing people, I also realized who I am deep inside of me. After my travels ended I thought it was time to put my discoveries into practice and I started to focus on doing things that gave me pleasure and satisfaction. My focus and conviction that I am following my heart took me to another country, to many, many challenges, a lot of discouragement, even hardship. I do see what an amazing few years it has been, I do feel gratefulness in my heart towards all that supported me along the way, especially in realizing that following one’s heart has nothing to with happiness or satisfaction.

Where I got it wrong, I think, is where I thought that when one gives a shot to one’s heart’s desire it must end up being a success story. We all read about these amazing people who against all odds persevere and ‘succeed’ (whatever the world means to them). And I truly believed that I have the charisma to do just the same, to become this amazing creator person, this very happy lady who draws  satisfaction on simply looking into others’ eyes and seeing their joy that makes me think that it was all worth it. I have not seen much joy lately. I only saw harden eyebrows and flickering eyelashes. The only person whose laughter made my heart sing in the past six month was the little serious boy I took care of for a while.

Well, I do not know how to call what I have become after three horrendous years, however, I suspect I could call myself a bump. I am continuously homeless, mostly unemployed, I am hugely overweight, I look pretty bad, I feel unhappy, unhealthy, depressed and extremely angry. Well, I am not sure if it was worth the ride. On top of it all, I am one of those advocate guys, who preaches ‘going for it’ and ‘never giving up’ and that sort of things.

Nevertheless, every experience is unique and I should not deny myself from the benefits. Even thought I am not aware of the exceptional benefits of these few years at least one day maybe I can tell my grandchildren (probably others’ grandchildren) that I really gave it a go one day, to realize my heart desire. And I can probably add, by then, the learning what I will have gained by then.

For now, I must admit defeat. It is my turn now to rethink my strategy, accept what happened, accepting what is happening now … now… now … and move on … somewhere ..