I don’t even know what I am looking at. I am busy with participating. Still doing my best to see what is happening. I am here to give them something and I hope I am doing well. I know now that it is not the thoughts or ideas I give, that matters – I just hope that I can stay open and ’loving’ enough to embrace them as they are, every single one of them. I see their flaws and do my best to accept them. I ask the Immortal Beloved (IM) to embrace them especially when they are in fraction.
What do I see? I see my family. I see how I grew up.
What do I hear? I hear the noises of my childhood, especially screams and shouting.
But now I see the other side of the story as well, what dad and mum felt as parents – at least a glimpse of it – dealing with me and my siblings. Rare opportunities.
I also see myself in many different ways. I see myself reflected. There is a part of me who belongs here: the sacrificial lamb and the prosecutor. And I see my reactions to this fragmented life. I feel my own impatience growing. I can stay calm because I know I can get out of this any time. I don’t need to change anything . I just know this is not my choice any more. It is still inside of me and may not ever be able to leave it completely behind, but I can stop, stand and wait until its urge passes without slipping into it.
…
Visited Manhattan. Crazy and hectic. Scattered energies. Shopping people everywhere. People who try and feed some emptiness inside with a new pair of shoes or other goods. Observations. I am one of these people. If there is any difference, that is that I see it now and so I have a choice not to do it. And sometimes I chose not to, sometimes I buy into it. Such is life. I am happy that I have a choice, anyhow.