It all started before I was born. I failed many people. I did not keep to my word and I could help them reach Nirvana. Upon dying I was struggling with immense amount of guilt, a sense of incompletion and failure. God looked at me with Loving eyes, smiled and said: “Just let it go and come home to me. The rest will take care of itself. Whomever you feel you left behind would find the way home. Remember ‘No soul will be lost’!”
No matter how sweet his smile was, how touched I was by his gentleness and forgiveness, I could not forgive myself for what I had done, so I decided to give it another go. I asked for another round in Hell so to make amends.
He said yes to my request and sent me to a place where I could repent.
There are different places a Soul can go to so to work on Its karmas. Each of us is sent to the very right place to face our main theme. This theme is like the tapestry of a Soul’s existence in the physical. It is a bit like being cobwebbed around from within , as if the stings of the web were extended outside in a way that the centre where the Soul is trapped becomes a capsule similar to a puppet on strings. And each time a trigger of the theme is pulled the stings start jerking pulling the poor puppet all over the show.
After some floating, my Soul arrived to a place called ‘Sin and Penance’. Since it was quilt that drove me back for another round, it was essential that I became aware of the reason why I am back down here in order for me to be able to let it finally go and return home. All other issues a Soul faces are only attached to the main tapestry of Its present existence – the main theme – in the time and space continuum.
My main theme is absolution.
All through my life from very early on, I had a very strong need to take responsibility for others’ happiness, to support them, even try to save them. There were times when I was called a witch, some other times an angel depending on how much someone fancied to be rescued. However, most of the time I was called a controlling bitch. Not surprising, since my drive to repent had no limits. I had to get my absolution in some way or another and I could only get it through ‘service’ and ‘being the savior of the masses’.
After decades of failing attempts to save people and hating the world with all its souls for not appreciating me for my strenuous efforts in making their existence ‘better’, I started to turn within looking for answers. I started to withdraw and bring my interaction with the world to the bare minimum while I started to build up a relationship with the Landlord of my Heart whom I stated to sense has the answers I was looking for.
During this Soul-searching process, I started to notice that though I am exceptionally talented, creative, musical and rather smart, I constantly block myself becoming successful in anything, I block my attempt for happiness and a sense of accomplishment. There were moments when I fought it, then I complained about, and other times I just simply detested it. There were moments when I just wanted to kill myself so the pain of my existence would seize. I blamed God for my misfortunes and I loathed the world for not being more responsive.
Struggling without the awareness of why life is so ‘unfair’ to me have determined my whole existence. As I was becoming aware of the various threads that make up the tapestry of my existence I started to notice patterns like the overwhelming sense of responsibility over others well-being and happiness; the constant need for doing good in the world; creating and initiating various movements of development; the constant anger towards life for ‘making’ me collect these painful experiences; the layers of walls that surround me in protection against being others’ emotional garbage bin; my self-protecting claws that crabs everything that moves.
Then, one day, after decades of soul searching, it downed on me:’ I failed God, I can’t hope for an absolution.’ My life became my repentance. I simply make sure I suffer it as much as I can in order to get a chance for absolution.
So, how to let it go? How to stop the unstoppable, self-destructive drive that fuels my guts?
Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6
In my eyes, Jesus is Forgiveness embodied. So, I am asking for your forgiveness … so my healing can begin … I am begging you … I am sorry … please, forgive me!
So, one question still remains: How to turn the immense energy of the flagellating propitiation into a flow of Grace?
… surrender …
Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, “This man receives sinners and eats with them.” So he told them this parable: “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. Luke 15:1-32