A couple of days ago a friend suggested that my main karma is that I feel obliged. The Hungarian word ‘köteles’ when translated literally means ‘by rope’. I think it is rather interesting that I constantly feel that I am ‘by the rope’. It is true that I am convinced that this life is somehow not mine, it is more like an obligation to fulfil. Most of the experiences I encounter are so ‘not like me’ that I am sure I did not chose but I somehow found myself in them. Because they are unfamiliar and uncomfortable I just want to get over with them hoping that, maybe then, I will have my own wonderful life.
However, that day has never come. I kept on feeling obliged to lead a life I cannot relate to, at all. Therefore, I soon decided that the reason behind it must be some kind of punishment. Nevertheless, I kept on waiting for the day when I am done with the doom, the hardship, the abuse, the upset, and the anger; when I am free to be me.
In the meantime, I figured, that if I did all the ‘right’ things, I may be able to ‘reduce’ my sentence and I will have my pardon. I have not been released, yet. The days kept rolling, I continued infusing more and more energy and time into being disciplined and doing the ‘good deeds’. As a result, however, I only got more perplexed and frustrated. Naturally, this energy of ‘come-ON, now!’ only attracted more misery.
I cannot do the ‘trying to be good so I can be released earlier’ any more. I am checking out! No matter how clever I maybe, no matter how hard I try to shed the ‘difficult-life’, my karma is binding. I am actually by the rope. The usual prescription to such default is Acceptance. I am not good at that either, I am afraid, because it only reminds me of my obligations.
Turning away from ‘trying to be good’ seems like the only option left for the wicked like me. I decided that I will be an ‘uncommon Path-trotter’ who does it differently. My hope is that I will be able to find the way not to be judgmental with myself while doing my kind of ‘differently’.
Because we all, humans, share a common idea about what ‘good’ is, how it looks and behaves, it is so easy to fall into the trap of judging and being judged. In my world, however, I decided that sincere is the only Good no matter how it may look or behave.
The one gift, I wish God would bestow upon me, during my venture of complete sincerity, is Loving myself; the knowing that whatever I do is OK, no matter how the world responds. I want to stop feeling obliged to be good, behave appropriately, doing the right thing, or being courteous. I want to stop trying so hard not to hurt others’ feelings. At the same time, I wish to be able to ‘protect’ myself from the way the world sees me.
I want to do that by Loving who I am with all the unusual, atypical, unfamiliar, and out of the ordinary as well as the rude, ill-mannered, impolite, discourteous, brusque, cheeky and unpleasant features of mine.
This is me. Loving me.