Each time I turn to find a fix point in my life I look into thin air. Since he’s gone I have nowhere to turn to. Like a child before the big jump off the monkey bars or after the first A for a reading assignment, I am running towards him, but he is not there anymore. There is nobody there. I am screaming with fear now because the whole world has shaken from under my feet and I have nothing to hold onto.
My scream froze to neuroses with age. Food got replaced with cigarettes to calm the ever rambling nerves. Then back to food again.
I have spent decades looking for the one who will hold me and I will feel secure. I have tested many but none met the high standards: keeping me safe.
After not having found anything or anybody out in the world, I started to look within and beyond, in search for safeguard. As I looked, slowly a face of pure light started to show up and made itself visible to me in the mist of all my fright. She whispered kind words of refuge and compassion. She held me in her warm, motherly arms, rocking me into sweet, peaceful quietude.
I opened my eyes and realized it was my own face.