In the past few weeks, I have been scanning and reading my old diaries from 35 to 10/15 years ago. Though many things have changed since then, actually nothing has changed. The main troubles and issues of mine are exactly the same as they were 35 or 10 years ago.
There is no change, I admit now. We do not change. The issues we deal with, we have them for all hour lives. I suspect this is what the spiries (people who follow some spiritual path) call karma, our unlearnt and forever present lessons.
Let me tell you mines.
My main lessons revolve around ‘belonging and caring for self’. These issues have been part of my ‘self’ for as long as I can remember, probably even before that. All the rest of the issues stem from these two. As a child I felt very different from those around me, I could not relate, I often felt ridiculed but especially completely misunderstood. I am pretty sure I am not the only one with these feelings however these feelings of mine grow naturally out of the ‘lessons’ I arrived here with: ‘Where do I truly belong?’ This one is rather comprehendible, we all must face this question at some point on our journey home.
The other one is a bit more complicated because it is more subtle. I don’t fully understand it either. Somehow, I find caring for myself more challenging than caring for others. In some ways, I am convinced that if I take care of others, those I take care of will eventually care for me. However, it is NEVER the case. Those I take care of are takers, they take as much as they can lay their hands on. At the same time, those, who actually do care for me actively are those whom I have never done anything for. I think it makes sense.
The tricky bit is my choices. I keep on choosing environments that requires more of my giving and offer hardly anything for me to take. Somewhere, I believe – I suppose – that I am here to give but not to take. Usually, those with similar issues have worthiness issues. They do not believe that they deserve anything so they give a lot.
Not me. My beliefs lie around the area of ‘capabilities’ and the ability to live without certain things. I somehow deny my own needs. I claim that I am OK without the things I cannot provide myself with. The issue is that it is not true at all. I wish I could have lots of things I cannot give myself and I am angry with people because of the lack of support they give me in getting those.
However, by allowing others to give me – here comes the tricky bit! – and provide me with things I need, I admit that I am not as capable as I wish to appear. And that threatens me. I appear weak and vulnerable. I simply cannot allow that. The weak (vulnerable) can be easily taken advantage of and destroyed. One must keep her guards up and avoid all unnecessary ‘receiving’ from the environment so to protect self. Giving also means demands. And I don’t want to be demanded of anything more. I have no more to give!
So, I keep on choosing places to live, where I am scared to death, where I am constantly invaded, challenged, disregarded, hurt and unimportant so to prove my point (my beliefs). When I am in such places, I know the only think I can do is to protect myself, I don’t need to open and become vulnerable much. It would not make much sense. Here, we only want to survive the day, nobody expect you to be vulnerably. Anger and rage rule!
So when it comes to receiving, I prefer protecting. Simple, ha?