Two of my women

So,there is this woman who is obsessed with keeping things in order – according to her admission – is actually very messy and lives in complete confusion in her head. She drives me out of my wits! She is a sweet and kind woman who really cares about others and wishes to offer her kindness to others. At the same time, she acts like someone who cares non about the other person living with her.  And I know for sure that this is not her intention. She just simply does not see her actions’ consequences. She is lost in her own world of confusion and drama and somehow noticing how the other person feels does not occur to her.

And I am not the sort to say anything. I just don’t know how to do that. I get more and more frustrated  then I leave. I understand that my behavior is just as childish as hers.

Her whole program is about clearing up the mess. Interestingly while she is doing that she actually creates even bigger mess.  And at the same time her cleaning is more like spreading the mess around. I don’t seem to notice the difference between the stages ‘before and after’. After a heavy scrubbing to the floor, it gets so sticky that it needs to be cleaned again.  The whole cleaning up doesn’t seem to produce the result I would expect: a clean house. I understand now, that the whole cleaning is about a desire coming from inside to see clearly, to clear the confusion out and so it does not show.

The house simply never seems to be clean and neat. It is partly due to the inattentiveness with which this house is cared for. I am not sure that it has been mended at all over the past 10 years. It is kind of falling apart, bits by bits.

There is always something left unattended, undone, unfinished, open, broken, dirty … to mend, to fix, to de-clutter …

Then, there is the other woman. The exact opposite of the previous one. She keeps a clean house with a cold mind. She never says a word, she puts on a straight face and she is mechanical. She lives in a clean house, a pre-planned life. She likes life expectable, assumable and predictable. She likes being prepared and when she isn’t she is thrown. She gets upset, she becomes mean, she tries to punish the other person who dared to do the unexpected and so forced her to deal with it.

Somehow I can relate to both of them. I can understand the complete confusion and how stressful it can be when you don’t know what’s happening in your life and you don’t feel capable of dealing with it. And I can also sympathize with the feeling of wanting to have order and predictability in your life and how upsetting it can get when you don’t feel capable maintaining that.