Upclose and personal

Good God! A 4-hour chatting marathon. It helped me understand that I was hanging in the void for quite some time thinking that I was with God but I actually wasn’t. When I realized this I felt cheated and very lost.  I hold God responsible for my ‘stuck-ness’.

I suddenly understand how stuck I am. I have been stuck for a very long time, even before I arrived here. I seem to have been lingering in the void all along. And I still have not realized why I could not go through the void the first place. I must be holding some grouch, somewhere. What I understand now is that I feel that God has let me down. I hold him responsible for my stuck-ness. I feel that he does not help me though it though he could. He should. I know it is silly but this is how it feels right now.

I feel, right now, as if everything I do in my life is just spending the time since I cannot move, I am bound by the this fog that constantly surrounds me. As if I was neither in the world nor above it. I cannot relate to the life we live as human beings neither I can I relate to God. I am in a nothingness that chains me to the stuck-ness. And I do not understand how I could move myself out of this. There is something – I suppose – I am not willing to let go of but I do not know what it is. It feels as if I do not see the way ahead. I feel that nothing I can do, I am completely helpless in this matter. I feel that I am doing the work but somehow it does not seem that way. And for that I am angry and hurt all the time.

I find it difficult to relate. I understand now that the reason behind my non-relating is an expectation, a feeling of depth that I know exist within me, but with some silly reason, I am looking for it in the world. But it does not exist in the world. It only exists in my relationship with God. I think this ‘relating’, this ‘depth’ is very valuable so I am running around the world trying to offer it but it does not belong to the world and nobody can understand it but God. I think, anyway. But something prevents me from relating in this deep and meaningful way to God, from creating this meaningful and deep relationship, I so desire, with God. And I do not know what that is. Neither do I know how to go about it.

After church – So, while in church I had some interesting revelations around rejection. As I was meditating and partially listening to the mess, I was wondering what I could do about the above, what I could do about the lingering. It seems that I have been kind of waiting for God or someone else to ‘put it right’ for me, put all the hurt feelings right, fix all the bad that has been done onto me unjustly. I seem to have been holding onto a lot of hurt feelings around unjust treatment and being rejected. I somehow believe that God rejected me, that I was not allowed through the Gates of Heaven, and so I was forced to linger in the void.

So, finally when I asked Him what to do about all this I was sort of told to ‘fake it until I make it’. So I am to say this  “I love you even if you reject me.” “I love you even if you do not love me.” “I love you even if I find you annoying.” and such. I reminds me of the teaching that in meditation basically, we are to Love ad Praise . I suppose this is my way of Loving him. I’d like to be able to Love people, mostly those I find scary or annoying and they are many!  I’d like to be able to see the many faces of God in people and confirm that I love them even if I find them annoying or else, not focusing on the ‘bad stuff’ but the part that belongs to God.

I also realized why we say that the greatest defense is ‘Love’. Imagine, when somebody is at me with whatever they are upset with me about and instead of me getting upset with them and becoming defensive, I’d say (inside me) “I love you even if you do not love me right now”. If I could say it out loud (I know I cannot), it would freeze the moment. I do not think it is possible to stay in the anger and upset when someone genuinely tells you that s/he loves you. You may not be able to stay with it but I do not think you can continue with the same amount of vehement anger.

Two weeks later.

So, for the past couple of weeks I have been doing the ‘I love you even if …’ It is a very strange experience. It feels as if the first part of the sentence defuses the second half. So when I say (inside of me) that ‘I love you even if you act like a jerk’, it feels kind of all right. I am not saying that the annoyance completely disappears but the strength of it is somehow weakened.

So, while in Church this morning, first I got a spoiled little girl sitting in front of me. Immediately, I judged her and her mum then I remembered my mantra, ‘OK, I love you both even if I find you disturbing and annoying.’ Interestingly, they almost immediately disappeared because the little girl changed her mind about where she wanted to sit and mum simply followed lead. Then a couple with a tiny baby set in front of me. Immediately, I though, ‘Bugger, they child will cry the sermon through!   What a nightmare!’ Well, the little baby was silent all the way though but the parents. They thought that the sermon was there for their entertainment and whenever they felt bored they started to chat about the kid’s well being. I immediately felt annoyed and frustrated, so I thought, ‘Well, I love you both, kid and all, even if you are  bloody disrespectful and noisy.’ So, they stopped talking and started immersing themselves into the flow of the sermon. Weird! The final blow was at the very end. After the sermon I stayed on so to meditate for a little longer. I put my headphones on to listen to some ANI-HU chanting that helps me focus. I went rather deep into my meditation, I felt this strong connection, my tears were running. Then suddenly I heard someone talking to me. I opened my tearful eyes and took the earphones off. The man with the collar seemed upset and talked to me in such broken English that I did not understand a word he was saying. I suddenly thought that he must be lost or something. He asked me about some confession, then if I was Polish, then he asked if I was praying with the headphones on. All the way I was very kind to him even if he looked cross with me because I did not understand his concerns. At the end he looked puzzled and rather embarrassed. I asked him if he wanted me to move away or something, but he said no and left.

Then I went back to meditating. As I was slipping back into meditation, I realized what had just happened. He was upset with me because he thought that I was listening to music in the church (plus my feet up on a chair because of my backache). It later turned out that he was the visiting Polish priest taking confessions from members of the Polish community.  I also realized that I did not react to his upset and ‘ignorance’ the way I usually do. I did not look at him with that gaze that says ‘you are basically an arse!’ I was genuinely kind and concerned because I though he heeded some help from me. It somehow changed the whole ballgame. I am usually rude and harsh out of fear and self-protection. This time, however, I was simply kind, even if he wasn’t. My kindness (and tears) diffused the situation.

It was such a lovely experience of Love conquers it all!