She is just a trigger. One of the unaware ones.
In a sense, I am grateful to her. Not only for myself but for the other two girls, too. She is our nemesis. She drives us off the wall. Each one of us differently.
She shows one how much she tries to avoid conflicts and how hard she tries to smooth the rough edges in order to avoid it bursting into her face. She shows her how much efforts she invest into covering it up so the real issue would never show its face. This one needs to learn to face the music and know that others have responsibilities too over matters. She needs to learn to trust that others bear the ability to deal with troublesome issues themselves, alone.
One she probes on her sense of maturity and inner-stability by asking confusing questions and pretending to be the wise one. This one needs to learn and know that she does not need to explain herself because her decisions are valid and just. She is powerful and has the right to be angry and say no to unacceptable behaviour.
With me, well, she blames me for it all. So, I need to learn and know that I am not to be blamed and that I am immaculate.
In my meditation this morning, I was burying my sweet, crazy aunt. Once again. She died a couple of years ago but it seems I still have not buried our past. I asked God, if my time was His time now in order to let go of whatever the deranged people – like my aunt – whom I grew up with represented in my life.
With the burial, I hope that I am putting the past finally to rest. Lastly, I am reclaiming my innocence. Suddenly, I understand what innocence means. Earlier, when I read about my Enneagram type that said that my main job was to reclaim my innocence, I thought it had something to do with being childish and baby-like, like a silly-billy girl. Nothing of the sort. It means that I do not allow myself to be accused of any wrong-doing.
Looking back, I must have arrived with a sense of ‘guilt and blame’ consciousness because this is the strongest remembrance I have from my childhood. I can recall numerous occasions when I was on the wrong side of the fence and so I had to go on ‘ trial’ where my guilt was established without me being able to defend myself against the accusations. Being the eldest child in the family, I was constantly blamed for something that the younger ones had done. I might have been naughty because I was somehow always in trouble, but I cannot imagine myself doing anything so viscous that would call for the kind of comeuppance I often had.
With that, I learnt to allow people to play into my ‘guilt of the faulty one’. Others being unaware they think that they can get away with any bad behaviour or any odd request because I would feel too guilty to say anything. I would feel so remorseful all the time that I would either defend myself senselessly and try to call out the real perpetrator or I would hide in shame. I would think that I was the ultimate bad girl, the vexing one whom you can always find accuseable for anything you feel uncomfortable with just because she would allow you to do so. I would feel so bad about myself with regret, remorse and shame that I would go out of my way to avoid you being upset with me. And when all my efforts fail, I would burst out and turn into a viscous creature of loath and make sure that you would feel the heat.
No more!
I am burying the past, now, and with that the hatchet as well. I restore my innocence that holds the key to the joy in my life. I can finally be in receipt of the goodness of life because I deserve it. I am good. I am innocent like a little lamb.
